I sooooo don’t want to post this. Ew no. No no no. Like I wonder how long it will take me to hit delete. But right now I’m trying out this whole obedience thing, so here we go.
For a long time I never thought I had a testimony. Raised a Christian, stayed a Christian, thanks be to God yes and amen.
That would’ve been nice, but here I am at 32 with an unfolding, messy lil testimony to call my own. A massive work in progress, but I’m going to start telling it now. Bits and pieces, at least.
So yes, I was raised a Christian, yada yada. The most incredible, loving parents. The best church, school and leaders. I never “backslid” in the sense of losing my faith, but you know…I experienced life, as one does in New York City (everything you’re thinking = yes), while somehow still managing to attend church and read my Bible most mornings. An extreme version of one foot in, one foot out sort of thing. I’d say lukewarm, but I’d really rather not picture God vomiting me out (Christian joke).
Anyway. I know we all have our different reasons we believe in God and follow Jesus, and while there are many reasons that I do, I recently had an aha-moment of the depths of God’s grace and love, and I think that’s what will forever do me in. God and his whole unconditional love thing…it’ll get ya.
To make a long story short (which I’m VERY bad at) let’s say this.
I’ve faced a handful of forks in the road in my lifetime so far, and just about every time I chose the wrong path. Like the wroOoOoNg path. Wrong. Bad. SOS.
I know God is real because he never let me go. Not in the depths of my sin, the depths of my self sufficiency, and not even when I knowingly and willingly disobeyed what he was so clearly trying to do in my life. I looked away time after time in mistrust and disbelief, wallowing in pain in darkness. And then had the audacity to be disappointed in him. Like wut. #WhyAmILikeThis
“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6
I wish I could say I came running back to him (which has been approx 3927 times by now) on my own, but he loves me so much he pretty much left me no other options. He’d like be like, ok Gracie, it’s time, come back to me. Always kicking and screaming, insisting my way was better, I found my way back to the Father, only to find him there with open arms, eagerly awaiting me. I’d say but God, did you see what I did? Did you see how I treated you??? And he’d smile at me like I was the most blameless sight he’d ever seen.
It’s funny because I’d use the whole “he leaves the 99” shpeal when talking about or trying to encourage others, but all along that’s what he was doing with me.
I also know this because of the people God placed in my life who also never let me go. My little God-extension team. They’ve fought like hell for me even when I’ve done the exact opposite of what they encouraged me to do.
I think I’ll end this here for now, even though there’s not this big happy ending where I end up becoming a missionary or something. I mean hey, it could happen.
I’m not trying to be self-deprecating with this story. Rather, I wish I was able to read more stories like mine. Having a relationship with God might be messy. Mine is. But it’s real. It’s real not because it makes sense or science backs it up or because the Bible tells me so. I can’t wrap my mind around it, to be honest. But it’s not about me, it’s about His love that knows no bounds. And that’s something to dedicate a life to.
“To follow him is not merely leaving everything, it is gaining everything.”
Gracie, thank you so much for posting this. I’m not even sure why I clicked to read it this morning other than God. That’s the only explanation that I have. I’ve been in this yucky, ugly place of kicking and screaming— of resenting God for the ways that he’s protected me and not given me over to my selfish desires or inclination to sin. It sounds kind of crazy to type—like, I SHOULD feel v grateful that he doesn’t turn me over to those things and let me experience the fullness of the consequences. But sometimes, it feels like I’m missing the fun part of it, too. (I understand this sounds ridiculous but tbh where I’m at right now).
Please excuse the fact that I used this comments section for a little therapy 😂🤦🏼♀️ #whyamilikethis
All of this to say… your story matters. Even if you decide to delete, it mattered to the one today. ❤️
Heather, omg! I actually read this comment right when you shared it but didn’t get the chance to respond sooner. I’m so glad this post resonated with you…”it mattered to the one today” was my “WHY” behind sharing it. Thank you for this message <3
I loved this post! I understand your hesitation but so greatly appreciate you willing to be real and vulnerable about faith. As a christian myself, I personally think one of the greatest things we can do is talk about how messy our journey with faith can be. It’s important to know that while on this earth we will STILL fall, fail, mess up, etc and he will be there. It’s something I think no human can describe, that kind of unconditional love & understanding. Beautiful & encouraging testimony!
Thank you Kimberly!! xoxo
Gracie, I feel like I resonate with your testimony sooo much. I grew up a Christian my entire life as well and did not think I had a testimony either until a few weeks ago. My trouble with trusting God has been with dating, always thinking I know what I’m doing when in reality God has a grand plan and is the only one that knows what the future holds. I’ve been in so many relationship, thinking they were going well, and they all came crashing down for some reason. I turned to my growth group leader at church for advice about how to trust God in this aspect of my life and sort of just really opened up to her, and her response was “Sophie, God just wants to love you, just let him”. The next morning something strange happened, I truly felt the unconditional love of God for the first time, and him saying to me “No matter how many times you turn away from me, or think your way is better, or mess up, I will always love you so much and will take you back every time. You won’t find this kind of love in a man, but you always will in me.” I was literally sobbing because I truly felt His love, and have been changed ever since. I also really resonate with the “leaves the 99” parable; every time I’ve become distant from God he has found a way to pull me back close to him. I never understood why I had to have my heart broken so many times, but now it makes sense; it was during these moments that I really turned to God and got close to Him. I guess everything He does has a purpose and a lesson. Thank you for sharing your testimony and hope you enjoyed reading mine 🙂
Wow, Sophie!! Thank you so much for this comment + sharing some of your own story. That is such an incredible revelation you got about God’s unconditional love. I feel like that’s the point of it all in some ways…to get to that place where “He alone is enough.” Sending you a big e-hug right now! And then hating myself for saying e-hug, lolol